Have you ever said something like "part of me wants to go, and part of me wants to stay home"? Most people say things like this without thinking about it. Internal Family Systems takes that everyday language seriously.
Internal Family Systems, usually called IFS, is a model developed by Richard Schwartz, an American psychologist and family therapist, beginning in the 1980s. It is widely discussed and used by therapists. In this article I will give a short, plain-language introduction and show how the basic idea can help you understand your own patterns.
The core idea
IFS starts from the view that the mind holds many voices. It is made up of different parts, each with its own perspective, feelings and role. You probably know some of yours already:
- the part that pushes you to work harder
- the part that criticises you
- the part that wants to avoid conflict
- the part that wants to rest, play or hide
IFS suggests that no part is bad. Each has a purpose, even when its methods cause problems.
Parts and the idea of a core self
In the IFS model, beneath the parts there is a core Self, described as calm, curious and compassionate. The aim is to help parts trust that the Self can lead, so they do not have to take over.
You do not need to accept every piece of the model to find the idea useful. Even as a simple lens, thinking of yourself as having parts can lower the temperature on your inner conflicts.
Why this helps with everyday patterns
When you are caught in a pattern, such as snapping at people, procrastinating or going quiet, it can feel like you are fighting yourself. The parts idea gives you another way to look at it.
Instead of "what is wrong with me?" you can ask "which part of me is active right now, and what is it trying to do?"
That question tends to produce more useful answers. The part that snaps may be trying to protect you from feeling dismissed. The part that procrastinates may be trying to avoid failing. The part that over-works may be trying to keep you safe from criticism.
This connects closely to what I covered in the article on protective strategies. Many of the patterns we dislike began as protection.
A simple exercise to try
Choose a pattern that has been bothering you and set aside ten minutes with a notebook.
- Name the part. Give it a plain label, such as "the critic," "the pleaser" or "the avoider."
- Notice where you feel it. Is there a sensation in your chest, jaw or stomach?
- Ask what it is trying to do for you. Write the first honest answer that comes up.
- Ask what it is afraid would happen if it stopped.
- Thank it. Write one line of acknowledgement for what it has tried to do.
You may find that the answers surprise you. Even if you only get a partial picture, you will have swapped an argument with yourself for a short conversation.
Staying curious
The word that matters most in this work is curiosity. If you approach a part with irritation, it often digs in. If you approach with interest, it usually relaxes a little.
A useful test is to notice how you feel toward the part. If you feel annoyed or ashamed, there is probably another part reacting to the first. You can acknowledge that one too, and then come back with a more open attitude.
Where this fits in coaching
I use the idea of parts as one of several tools when looking at patterns, triggers and protective strategies. It sits alongside practical strategies, between-session exercises and plenty of plain conversation. I am a qualified Behaviour Specialist and I do not deliver IFS therapy, and I do not make claims about what the model can treat.
Some people love the parts language. Others find it does not suit them, and that is fine. The goal is understanding your patterns well enough to make different choices, and there is more than one way to get there.
A small personal note
Parenting three boys gives you a front-row seat to inner conflict. Watching a child want two opposite things at once is a reminder that this is a normal part of being human, and that kindness toward the conflict usually works better than force.
A caution
IFS is used in therapy by trained clinicians, and people often turn to it when dealing with painful experiences. If you are working through trauma, or if you are experiencing anxiety, depression or any clinical concern, please see your GP or a psychologist. Coaching is practical support and is not a substitute for therapy.
Takeaways for today
- Pick a pattern and name the part involved.
- Ask what it is trying to do for you, and what it fears would happen without it.
- Write one line of thanks before you try anything new.
Next step
Understanding your parts and patterns is part of the work in Recondition, my 20-week one-on-one program for people who want to understand how they were conditioned and choose what comes next. It runs in person and online.
If you would like to find out more, book a free 15-minute Let's Chat call through the enquiry form or message me on Instagram at @conditioned._.
Questions
Who developed Internal Family Systems?
Internal Family Systems, often shortened to IFS, was developed by Richard Schwartz, an American psychologist and family therapist, beginning in the 1980s.
Do I have to believe I have separate personalities for this to work?
No. The "parts" idea is a way of describing the different voices, urges and roles most people notice in themselves, such as the part that wants to rest and the part that wants to push on.
Is IFS therapy?
IFS is used by trained therapists as a form of psychotherapy. As a coach, I use the idea of parts as a practical way of understanding patterns, and coaching is not a substitute for therapy. For trauma or clinical concerns please see your GP or a psychologist.
How does this connect to changing habits?
When you understand what each part of you is trying to do, you can respond to it with curiosity rather than fighting it. That often makes it easier to try new responses.